We all know that the holidays are stressful. Your calendar is full of commitments, you have to prepare overly extravagant food at one point or another, and somebody is always inevitably disappointed, no matter how much you tried to make the holiday special for everyone.

There are so many ways that family members put expectations on us. Despite their good intentions, they are typically always unreasonable and they are definitely always opinions. Remember that. Also remember that where you’re at in life right now is right where you’re supposed to be. If it’s a good place, be grateful. If it’s a hard place, there could be a lesson there, or it’s time to reach out for help. Either way, you’ll be just fine. As the holidays approach this year, take a step back and remember what’s most important in your life. Make the choice to spend time with loved ones without bending over backwards and you’ll thank yourself when the dust settles.

Common Types of Family Expectations

There are many ways our families inadvertently shame us during the holidays. In fact, I am sure I am guilty of this. Sorry family! They certainly don’t mean to, or they just can’t help themselves, but one way or another, sometimes you’ll get that nagging feeling that you just don’t make the cut to their expectations.

Here is a brief list of some ways that people can feel a sense of inadequacy:

• Not working in the right career
• Not having children
• Not being married
• Making a mistake
• Serving time
• Dealing with addictions
• Marrying the wrong person
• Not raising your children properly
• Not making enough money
• Not attending a wedding/funeral/graduation

While more could be added to this list, these are all ones we may have even caught ourselves judging people for. For example: “Just why is Uncle Dan still living alone at 50? Did he ever date anyone???” That’s an expectation that someone is putting on her for no good reason other than that society thinks we should all be a certain way. Or, somewhere your mind was programmed to think that way… Don’t let it.

Also, when I speak to friends in committed relationships and marriages with children, during the holidays they all start to say the same thing. They say that there are too many people in their lives who seem to be demanding their attention. While it is wonderful to have a life full of people and love, sometimes it can become overwhelming. And, when you’re trying to accommodate multiple families into the holidays, the scheduling can get a bit tricky. If you factor in divorced in-laws, you could be facing four separate celebrations for one national holiday. It is crucial to establish boundaries and decide how you want to spend your holiday. Has anyone seen Four Christmases? I love that movie! PS….Just watching this trailer made me instantly so happy and light. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8nzbUR9dgI

Ways to Deal With Family Expectations at the Holidays

If your holiday anxiety revolves around sharing your time with everyone, one way to compromise is to alternate years between families. Spend this year with your family and next year with your spouse’s family. Always make sure that they agree to the schedule and are aware of it so that everyone is on the same page. Another option is to choose to always host the event itself. By doing so, you welcome everyone to your home for one set time and if they choose not to attend, that’s their decision. While it may feel good to please everyone you love, ultimately it’s going to take it’s toll on your own peace of mind. By deciding to split your time with family and limit your holiday events, you’ll be sparing yourself a two-month headache and you’ll be able to actually enjoy the holiday.

Unfortunately, if you do choose to host the main event, you will still be at risk of disappointing others, if you give them that power. Hosting can becoming incredibly stressful. What if you ruin the turkey? What if nobody comes? What if your decorations aren’t as cute as you initially believed? What if the stove breaks? So what if any of these things happen? Things go wrong. And that’s ok. Remember to take a deep breath and laugh it off. It will never be the end of the world and it may even provide you with a great story later on.

Further, if your family has unreasonable expectations on you that revolve around any of your life choices, just literally block it out. Get those mental blockers on baby. And, consider making an appointment with your therapist immediately following the event so that you know you have someone to gush to about all the ridiculous/painful/just plain dumb experiences that you may have had. Knowing you have someone to talk to right after the holiday event can make attending it so much more bearable! Plus, you reduce the gossip factor within your family which can help you out in the future big time. Think: Preventative Damage Control.

Beyond your extended family, high expectations may exist within your own home. Over the years, materialism has evolved into a ferocious beast and it may have latched on to your children. Perhaps even yourself and your spouse hold each other to high gift-giving standards. Don’t do this to each other and definitely don’t allow your children to put this pressure on you. As cliche as it may be to say, it’s profoundly true that the holidays are not about presents. Teach your babies to appreciate the moments and to love the time spent with family. They may not take likely to the concept at first, (especially if they’ve been exposed to big gifts in the past), but they’ll catch on. And eventually they will thank you for teaching them what’s most important in life: the loving people in their lives and the times shared with them.

After All, Holidays are About Loving Each Other

Every day we all face the expectations put on us by others and during the holidays it only gets worse. Make the decision for your family to do what’s best for you. Don’t let loved ones bully you, or make you feel bad if something goes wrong. Don’t let the quality of your children’s holiday be determined by the quality of the gifts they receive. Focus on loving one another, spreading joy, and making memories. And maybe make that back-up therapy appointment….just in case. 🙂

Happy Holidays to You!

– Katie