Kids commonly keep secrets from their parents such as their involvement in activities they know their parents won’t approve of, crushes or infatuations, private details of their social lives, physical activities such as partying, drinking, or smoking, transgressions at school, or experiences that make them feel ashamed.

Embarrassment over making the wrong choice and feeling as though your parents will mock you, shame you, punish you, or tell you “I told you so” – can make it seem easier to just keep the secret. Youths don’t yet know how compounded stress can lead to health problems later (yet).

What kind of secrets do teens commonly keep from their parents or guardians?

1. Mental health concerns such as depression or anxiety
2. Sexual health and identity
3. Substance use/abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.)
4. Money issues
5. Legal troubles such as getting a ticket
6. Online and social media activity
7. Peer relationships, especially friendships with someone they are interested in romantically.  
8. Interest in age-inappropriate topics
9. Failing grades or cheating in school 
10. Experiencing bullying or harassment
11. Experiencing a traumatic event. 

What is some advice to a teenager about opening up to those in charge of their wellbeing when they have made a mistake or have been holding a secret?

It is always difficult to open up to a parent after making a mistake or when something’s happened that you have been keeping inside. It can be helpful to start by writing down or talking about your feelings and mistakes in order to express yourself. Take a few deep breaths and try to focus on what you want to say and how you want to say it. Speak calmly and from your point of view, being honest and direct about what happened. Preparing what you want to say beforehand can be helpful and make it easier to open up. It’s important to remember that your parents or guardians may be disappointed or upset, but they will likely be supportive and want to help.

What if your parent or guardian is not the most supportive person/people in your life?

To be honest, there could be a darn good reason a teen refuses to open up to their parents or guardians. They may have tried that route before, only to get rejected or humiliated. They may have been misunderstood and gotten punished unfairly. If you are a teenager who understands this angle of the story – remember – counselors are required to maintain confidentiality unless you are threatening to hurt yourself or others. They are a safe place to vent, to share your secret, and not worry about a repercussion in most cases. If you are keeping a secret about abuse at home, your counselor can help you begin the process to get into a safe environment as well. We are here to help (note: I am a counselor for teens in Denver, CO, and my door is always open.)

Parents and Guardians: The more you respect your teen, the more they will share with you.

Teens want to be treated with open communication, understanding, honesty, and respect for their opinions and ideas. They want to be respected and valued as unique individuals. They want to be respected for their opinions and not judged for them. They want to be listened to and understood. They also want to be given space to make their own decisions and mistakes and be allowed the opportunity to learn from them. Teens want to feel like their contributions matter and that their ideas and perspectives are heard and respected.

Why is it so hard for teens to talk to their parents or guardians even if they have a good relationship with them?

It can be difficult for teens to talk to their parents because there is often a perceived or not perceived power imbalance between teens and adults. To some teens, it can feel like they are being judged or criticized if they speak out. This fear of speaking out can keep teens from talking openly and honestly with their parents.

 

Tips to build safe and productive communication with your teen:

1. Listen without judgment.

2. Show empathy and understanding.

3. Put their differences aside.

4. Provide a comfortable environment for conversations.

5. Try to understand their point of view.

6. Respond in a calm manner.

7. Avoid criticism and mocking.

8. Make it clear that you are there to support them.

9. Respect their privacy and limits.

10. Stay involved in your life.

Trust and communication are always works in progress, no matter your age. 

We don’t get maps that tell us which way to go in life, so all we can do is trust our gut, and learn how to be better than we were yesterday. I hope this blog helps you think in a new framework about respect for your teen and creating an environment where they feel safe to share their lives with you. And, don’t forget, once they have shared this secret, support them! If they are coming out to you, become their biggest advocate. If they are sharing about an addiction they have, make space for them to heal and get them the help they need. Whatever it is – you are in charge of making their lives as supported as possible until they become in charge of their own lives. Give them the best shot they can get. 

 

And, if nothing’s been “working” – counseling is here. 

Counseling for Teens in Denver, CO | Peek Counseling

Hi! I’m Katie. I decided to become a counselor after witnessing my brother’s mental health journey and how therapy helped to heal his pain as well as bring our family back together. It was a truly incredible experience, and honestly – being a bit of a kid at heart – and having my own kiddo now, I relate to teenagers and what they go through during those challenging and often confusing times leading up to adulthood. 

My door is always open if you think counseling for your teenager would help. Just reach out here to check availability. I look forward to meeting you.